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I am so…

How would you complete the sentence?  Happy?  Excited?  Perplexed?  Emotionally wrung out?

I am so…

Tired.  I’m gonna go with tired.  The kind of tired you can’t shake off by eating better or exercising or seeing a therapist regularly. (Not that I’ve tried to do any of those things of late, but that’s neither here nor there, people.)

And as one who has struggled with the depression, I don’t believe this is the kind of tired a Prozac Ativan cocktail might cure.  Though we all know that shit is called Mother’s Little Helper for good reason.

No, this is the kind of tired that makes me want to take an extended break.  I wanna hit the pause button and just be quiet.  By myself.  In a low lit room.  For about a week.  I wanna cry and be in a shitty ass mood  and not worry about how my behavior is negatively impacting others.  I wanna sleep.  I wanna get a massage and a pedicure and not have to talk and not have to be responsible for anything or anyone.  At all.

I want to reboot.

I am so…

Tired.

This morning, my husband, who is also so … tired, said that most people, when they get to be “our age” have been in their jobs awhile, have developed a consistent routine, and simply aren’t working so hard anymore.  We (he and I) are constantly re-inventing things at work and iterating on things at home, and well, evidently we’ve created our own little design process-y microcosmic hell.

I worked until midnight last night, then I got up at 5:30am this morning.  I hate to say it, but I think he’s right.

I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.

I’m also too old to binge eat and chug wine every night for a week without terrible, horrible repercussions.  Comfort food is doing me dirty but I’m too tired to break the evil, insidious, Twizzler-based cycle.  My clothes no longer fit me, and yet, I continue to lack the willpower.

Anyway, I got a man, so I don’t need willpower.  That’s what vanity is all about, right?  Getting a man?  Am I right or am I right?

Ok, I think I’m hitting rock bottom…right…now.  Boom.  Yup.  There it is.  Alright, people.  Today is a brand new day.  I’m gonna skip the Twizzlers (although, to be fair, it is a low fat food, and it does make your mouth happy).  I’m gonna go to bed early tonight.  But first I’ll have a “sensible” dinner and do my Weightloss Yoga DVD starring all those awful people from The Biggest Loser.  Then tomorrow, I’ll start training for a 5k.

Then, this weekend I’ll call back everyone who has left me voicemail messages over the past two weeks…wait.  That’s not gonna happen!  But maybe, just maybe,  I will eat a vegetable tonight.  And possibly do neck circles.

4 Responses to I am so…
  1. Bonnie
    November 21, 2013 | 9:46 am

    Please read this book “Your Money or Your Life” by Joe Dominguez. Get off the crazy treadmill of doing it all.

  2. Adam
    November 21, 2013 | 10:46 am

    Is it wrong that I read that post and my first thought was “Mmmm. Twizzlers.”?

    My second thought was, ” Oh sweetie.” You guys do so much and work so hard and life doesn’t always cooperate. Which sucks.

    Adam

  3. Kateri Von Steal
    November 21, 2013 | 1:21 pm

    I happen to have twizzlers in my desk right now.. I read twizzlers and also thought… MMMMMMMMM

    And, perhaps your hubby and you can designate one night a week where one of you can “check out” so to speak, and the other takes the brunt of the evening. And then swap. Maybe you’ll get a little R&R…

    Doesn’t happen a lot by me, but, maybe it will work for you guys?

    It’s got to be the season… I feel that we have been on FAST FORWARD since the kid started school in September.

  4. Jaynee
    December 2, 2013 | 2:15 pm

    I feel you. I had a friend who told me that I just need to be more disciplined with my time and that going to bed at midnight isn’t be disciplined. And I was all… OMG, TELL ME MORE. But if I start going to bed at 9:30, how will I get any of the hundreds of things I need to do for tomorrow done? I’m tired, too. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Which is why my clothes no longer fit and I exist on red wine and ding dongs.

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