How would you complete the sentence? Happy? Excited? Perplexed? Emotionally wrung out?
I am so…
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Tired. I’m gonna go with tired. The kind of tired you can’t shake off by eating better or exercising or seeing a therapist regularly. (Not that I’ve tried to do any of those things of late, but that’s neither here nor there, people.)
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And as one who has struggled with the depression, I don’t believe this is the kind of tired a Prozac Ativan cocktail might cure. Though we all know that shit is called Mother’s Little Helper for good reason.
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No, this is the kind of tired that makes me want to take an extended break. I wanna hit the pause button and just be quiet. By myself. In a low lit room. For about a week. I wanna cry and be in a shitty ass mood and not worry about how my behavior is negatively impacting others. I wanna sleep. I wanna get a massage and a pedicure and not have to talk and not have to be responsible for anything or anyone. At all.
I want to reboot.
I am so…
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This morning, my husband, who is also so … tired, said that most people, when they get to be “our age” have been in their jobs awhile, have developed a consistent routine, and simply aren’t working so hard anymore. We (he and I) are constantly re-inventing things at work and iterating on things at home, and well, evidently we’ve created our own little design process-y microcosmic hell.
I worked until midnight last night, then I got up at 5:30am this morning. I hate to say it, but I think he’s right.
I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.
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I’m also too old to binge eat and chug wine every night for a week without terrible, horrible repercussions. Comfort food is doing me dirty but I’m too tired to break the evil, insidious, Twizzler-based cycle. My clothes no longer fit me, and yet, I continue to lack the willpower.
Anyway, I got a man, so I don’t need willpower. That’s what vanity is all about, right? Getting a man? Am I right or am I right?
Ok, I think I’m hitting rock bottom…right…now. Boom. Yup. There it is. Alright, people. Today is a brand new day. I’m gonna skip the Twizzlers (although, to be fair, it is a low fat food, and it does make your mouth happy). I’m gonna go to bed early tonight. But first I’ll have a “sensible” dinner and do my Weightloss Yoga DVD starring all those awful people from The Biggest Loser. Then tomorrow, I’ll start training for a 5k.
Then, this weekend I’ll call back everyone who has left me voicemail messages over the past two weeks…wait. That’s not gonna happen! But maybe, just maybe, I will eat a vegetable tonight. And possibly do neck circles.