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I am so…

How would you complete the sentence?  Happy?  Excited?  Perplexed?  Emotionally wrung out?

I am so…

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Tired.  I’m gonna go with tired.  The kind of tired you can’t shake off by eating better or exercising or seeing a therapist regularly. (Not that I’ve tried to do any of those things of late, but that’s neither here nor there, people.)

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And as one who has struggled with the depression, I don’t believe this is the kind of tired a Prozac Ativan cocktail might cure.  Though we all know that shit is called Mother’s Little Helper for good reason.

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No, this is the kind of tired that makes me want to take an extended break.  I wanna hit the pause button and just be quiet.  By myself.  In a low lit room.  For about a week.  I wanna cry and be in a shitty ass mood  and not worry about how my behavior is negatively impacting others.  I wanna sleep.  I wanna get a massage and a pedicure and not have to talk and not have to be responsible for anything or anyone.  At all.

I want to reboot.

I am so…


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This morning, my husband, who is also so … tired, said that most people, when they get to be “our age” have been in their jobs awhile, have developed a consistent routine, and simply aren’t working so hard anymore.  We (he and I) are constantly re-inventing things at work and iterating on things at home, and well, evidently we’ve created our own little design process-y microcosmic hell.

I worked until midnight last night, then I got up at 5:30am this morning.  I hate to say it, but I think he’s right.


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I’m also too old to binge eat and chug wine every night for a week without terrible, horrible repercussions.  Comfort food is doing me dirty but I’m too tired to break the evil, insidious, Twizzler-based cycle.  My clothes no longer fit me, and yet, I continue to lack the willpower.

Anyway, I got a man, so I don’t need willpower.  That’s what vanity is all about, right?  Getting a man?  Am I right or am I right?

Ok, I think I’m hitting rock bottom…right…now.  Boom.  Yup.  There it is.  Alright, people.  Today is a brand new day.  I’m gonna skip the Twizzlers (although, to be fair, it is a low fat food, and it does make your mouth happy).  I’m gonna go to bed early tonight.  But first I’ll have a “sensible” dinner and do my Weightloss Yoga DVD starring all those awful people from The Biggest Loser.  Then tomorrow, I’ll start training for a 5k.

Then, this weekend I’ll call back everyone who has left me voicemail messages over the past two weeks…wait.  That’s not gonna happen!  But maybe, just maybe,  I will eat a vegetable tonight.  And possibly do neck circles.

4 Responses to I am so…
  1. Bonnie
    November 21, 2013 | 9:46 am

    Please read this book “Your Money or Your Life” by Joe Dominguez. Get off the crazy treadmill of doing it all.

  2. Adam
    November 21, 2013 | 10:46 am

    Is it wrong that I read that post and my first thought was “Mmmm. Twizzlers.”?

    My second thought was, ” Oh sweetie.” You guys do so much and work so hard and life doesn’t always cooperate. Which sucks.


  3. Kateri Von Steal
    November 21, 2013 | 1:21 pm

    I happen to have twizzlers in my desk right now.. I read twizzlers and also thought… MMMMMMMMM

    And, perhaps your hubby and you can designate one night a week where one of you can “check out” so to speak, and the other takes the brunt of the evening. And then swap. Maybe you’ll get a little R&R…

    Doesn’t happen a lot by me, but, maybe it will work for you guys?

    It’s got to be the season… I feel that we have been on FAST FORWARD since the kid started school in September.

  4. Jaynee
    December 2, 2013 | 2:15 pm

    I feel you. I had a friend who told me that I just need to be more disciplined with my time and that going to bed at midnight isn’t be disciplined. And I was all… OMG, TELL ME MORE. But if I start going to bed at 9:30, how will I get any of the hundreds of things I need to do for tomorrow done? I’m tired, too. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Which is why my clothes no longer fit and I exist on red wine and ding dongs.

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