Today is a Monday, which, unless packaged as a 3 day weekend, is inherently sad. Mondays are heavy, stressful, and generally craptastic because by Sunday night, I’m too tired to prep for Monday thus ensuring that Monday mornings are bullshit.
This Monday morning, I got up at 5:52am, just in time to say goodbye to my husband before he left for work. As soon as he was gone, I scrambled to find, print, and cut out 10 family photos for my five year old to glue onto a piece of card stock before school. This project is due TODAY. He’s supposed to use the photos as story inspiration for writers workshop and if he doesn’t get it together, HE’LL HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT NOW OR EVER BECAUSE ALL HIS MEMORIES WILL BE LOCKED INSIDE HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF HELD ON THIS PIECE OF PAPER FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE! So that’s what happened instead breakfast this morning. Also, I had to remember that today was school picture day for my 7 year old (“no, you can’t wear shorts! Comb your hair! Can you get a shirt that isn’t stained, maybe? Please don’t wear that hat,” etc.)
This was of course in addition to packing lunches, showering, checking my work schedule, remembering to write a check for early bird drop off at my kids school, texting my babysitter to see if she could cover a date night this Wednesday, serving passable morning snacks, getting myself dressed, accidentally touching cat shit and then cleaning cat shit up from all over the floor in the hallway.
By the time I walked my kids to school and dropped them off, I was in Mama’s Sure as Shit Gonna Lose It mode. Why do they gotta walk right on top of my feet? WHY??? Stop fucking discussing whether or not googleplex is a real number and walk. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Then, I missed my bus, so I had to hoof it another million blocks to the train.
Then, I slammed my abdomen into the subway turnstile because my metro card has insufficient fare.
Then I got on the train but missed my other bus.
Then, in the middle of the street, I screamed at my lunch bag because every time I took a step, my Tupperware container hit me in the ass.
Then, I was blinded by the sun. With my damaged eyes, I realized that the awesome charcoal gray tights I’m wearing are fucking disgusting and discolored and threadbare, meaning I had no business whatsoever hassling my son about his picture day outfit.
When I arrived to work, finally, I had to go through scanning, because that how shit rolls in New York City high schools. And because somehow managed to make school security feel some type of way, THEY CONFISCATED MY FUCKING FORK! I COULDN’T EAT MY KALE SALAD AT LUNCHTIME BECAUSE SCHOOL SECURITY TOOK MY POTTERY BARN CIRCA 2004 STERLING SILVER FORK.
I showed them though. I ate my damned salad. With a plastic fork. AND… I remembered to retrieve my fork at 5:30, when I exited the building.
Then, I headed back home, missed another bus, got lost inside the bowels of the Atlantic Avenue subway station and made it home just barely before peeing in my pants became an actual option.