(This is sure to win me awards and you too if you follow my directions and use my exact words. In order for this lecture to be most effective, carve out 5 whole minutes during a transition period – like right before bed or on the way to play date. Or, if you’re awesome, give it as you walk/drive your kids to school in the morning. Oh, and the more profanity you include in your lecture, the better.)
Kids. What the fuck, man? Why do you beg me for the goddamn Rainbow Loom [or crap object of your choice] and then cry like a bunch of little girls when the carpal tunnel it’s causing in your fingers starts to hurt like a bitch? Why do you leave shitty little multi colored rubber bands all over my house? Why do you wanna give me crap jewelry that caused temper tantrums over and over during the creation process?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?
May I remind you that that shit was $40! I spent FORTY DOLLARS to get each of you little fucking whiners that stupid ass toy. And what do I get out of it? A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING, that’s what I get. The fucking Rainbow Loom has actually diminished my quality of life. As soon as we got it home, you two started plotting which extra, additional bullshit you’re gonna need to craft the most fanfuckingtastical stretchy accessories ever. Did I mention I just spent FORTY DOLLARS? And you want add- ons? To a toy that makes you cry? PUH-LEEZE.
You wanna have a birthday party? You wanna cool Halloween costume? You want me to ever buy you anything ever again in your life? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP about the damn Rainbow Loom. Don’t ask me if you can bring it to school. God forbid that shit gets lost, stolen or broken. AND CLEAN UP ALL THOSE LITTLE PIECES. I’m not your maid! You want toys, you clean up after you play with them or I swear I’ll throw them in the trash. Try me. TRY ME, you nasty little hoarders!
And don’t you dare give me a Rainbow Loom ring, necklace or bracelet as a peace offering. I know you’ll take it back first chance you get and repurpose it for your best friend Teddy (who I’ve NEVER fucking heard of by the way.). I’m not an idiot, people.
Listen, get it together, will ya? I don’t wanna hate your toys, but you make it so hard for me to love them. Mommy and Daddy work too hard to toss money away on bullshit that makes you cry and/or fight. If the stuff you like didn’t generally suck, maybe things would be easier. But you guys are total fucking crap whores. And frankly, I can’t take it anymore.
Oh, yeah. You can go now. Have a great day, boys! Love ya!