How would you complete the sentence? Happy? Excited? Perplexed? Emotionally wrung out?
I am so…
Tired. I’m gonna go with tired. The kind of tired you can’t shake off by eating better or exercising or seeing a therapist regularly. (Not that I’ve tried to do any of those things of late, but that’s neither here nor there, people.)
And as one who has struggled with the depression, I don’t believe this is the kind of tired a Prozac Ativan cocktail might cure. Though we all know that shit is called Mother’s Little Helper for good reason.
No, this is the kind of tired that makes me want to take an extended break. I wanna hit the pause button and just be quiet. By myself. In a low lit room. For about a week. I wanna cry and be in a shitty ass mood and not worry about how my behavior is negatively impacting others. I wanna sleep. I wanna get a massage and a pedicure and not have to talk and not have to be responsible for anything or anyone. At all.
I want to reboot.
I am so…
This morning, my husband, who is also so … tired, said that most people, when they get to be “our age” have been in their jobs awhile, have developed a consistent routine, and simply aren’t working so hard anymore. We (he and I) are constantly re-inventing things at work and iterating on things at home, and well, evidently we’ve created our own little design process-y microcosmic hell.
I worked until midnight last night, then I got up at 5:30am this morning. I hate to say it, but I think he’s right.
I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.
I’m also too old to binge eat and chug wine every night for a week without terrible, horrible repercussions. Comfort food is doing me dirty but I’m too tired to break the evil, insidious, Twizzler-based cycle. My clothes no longer fit me, and yet, I continue to lack the willpower.
Anyway, I got a man, so I don’t need willpower. That’s what vanity is all about, right? Getting a man? Am I right or am I right?
Ok, I think I’m hitting rock bottom…right…now. Boom. Yup. There it is. Alright, people. Today is a brand new day. I’m gonna skip the Twizzlers (although, to be fair, it is a low fat food, and it does make your mouth happy). I’m gonna go to bed early tonight. But first I’ll have a “sensible” dinner and do my Weightloss Yoga DVD starring all those awful people from The Biggest Loser. Then tomorrow, I’ll start training for a 5k.
Then, this weekend I’ll call back everyone who has left me voicemail messages over the past two weeks…wait. That’s not gonna happen! But maybe, just maybe, I will eat a vegetable tonight. And possibly do neck circles.